Movie Critics' Gems
One thing I enjoy doing is bashing little capsule reviews on RottenTomatoes that, regardless of the quality (or lack of it) of the movie in question, manage to be stupid all by themselves.
“Public Enemies”, one of the movies I have been expecting the most this year, has been getting mixed reviews that either say it’s groundbreaking in its approach or simply a mix of good scenes and bad scenes.
And while some capsule reviews manage to say a lot and be funny at the same time, like Gina Carbone’s “Never mind crime, I’m declaring the nation’s first war on hand-held cameras”, some really astound me in mediocrity.
Tim Evans: “Classy for sure. Sharply paced too. But while Public Enemies gives Bonnie And Clyde a run for their money, The Godfather has nothing to fear.”
I could give a fuck if it beats “The Godfather”, I do not expect every gangster movie to have that ambition. Is it good? Is it not? Or are you actually resenting this film because it is inferior to “The Godfather”?
Sunday Mail: “The hottest gangster movie in ages.”
WHY? Or do you expect me to take your fucking word for it?
Mike Ward: “The cat and mouse game played by the world’s most prolific bank robber and the first big-time FBI agent isn’t worth a slice of government cheese.”
More worried about making stupid metaphors about rodents than simply saying why he dislikes the film…
David Edelstein: “The best rejoinder to Public Enemies is Michael Jackson’s Smooth Criminal video… It’s a tommy-gun gangster fantasia with a touch of Guys and Dolls, and it’s everything Public Enemies isn’t.”
Right, so what the movie is lacking is Johnny Depp and Christian Bale starting to dance?
Gary Wolcott: “America in the throes of a depression idolized them as heroes. They robbed hated banks. Some think today’s bank robbers actually run them but that’s commentary for another day.”
Apparently commenting on the fucking MOVIE also was left to another day.
Kam Williams: “Depp does Dillinger in grisly gangster saga.”
No shit, Kam! Thanks for summarizing the synopsis for us.
Christian Toto: “Public Enemies is exactly what summer audiences deserve - a smart, sophisticated action movie. So why does it feel like a letdown?”
Er, yeah, why. It’s your job to try and figure that out. And if you think I’m interpreting that as a hook to read the full review, think again.
Cammila Albertson: “For people who loved Heat, this is a tour de force.”
Much easier to compare it to a previous film rather than speaking about the actual film.
Nick Rogers: “It’s no “Heat.” For skirting the lawman’s story, call it “Warmth.” Still, it bulks up, with Midwestern muscle, from a violent version of “The Aviator” into Mann’s “Gangs of New York” - unwieldy and imperfect, but compelling, exciting and thoughtful.”
I cannot tell if Nick thinks “Gangs of New York” is by Michael Mann or if he thinks “Public Enemies” is Mann’s version of “Gangs of New York” or if Nick was high when he wrote this. “Warmth”, Jesus Christ…
Colin Covert: “It fits neatly on the shelf with Bonnie and Clyde and The Godfather.”
Again using other movies to (not) talk about the one in question.
Jules Brenner: “The popular reaction to what the defiant anti-hero came to represent in depression-era America made it almost criminal to call him one.”
Are you paid to review a movie or write for Wikipedia?
Brian Tallerico: “Audience members who find themselves on the same wavelength as Mann and his screenwriters will find enough to talk about to keep them raving about Public Enemies for days.”
“On the same wavelength” sounds like one hell of a prerequisite to enjoy a movie.
Fiore Mastracci: “This film shows the difference between classes of criminals; the difference between gangster and gangsta.”
And that means WHAT regarding the quality of the film, exactly? Did I miss a memo?
Steven Rea: “Ultimately, the movie’s a bust.”
It’s a capsule review, Steven, not a capsule adjective.
Stephen Whitty: “What’s the reason to make this movie, now?”
Oh, I dunno, for you to watch it and wonder what the reason is?
Peter Travers: “It’s movie dynamite.”
Sigh.
Nick Schager: “Public Enemies fizzles at the moment of detonation.”
Right.
Jolene Mendez: “As much as the film had bang for the buck, it just did not cut it.”
Sure.
Susan Granger: “Awesome, action-packed and enthralling…”
Three adjectives that could describe a million other films, no review.
I have a lot of fun doing this, as you can certainly tell. Now, lunch.
